Too much hubris

A friend, also widowed, asked me what was coming up for us. I knew he was talking about difficult milestones, but it felt almost as if the question didn't apply to me. I talked about the anniversary of S's death next month, which will be quickly followed quickly by our wedding anniversary. No surprises here - I know the dates and I have full understanding of the passage of time. As long as things don't sneak up on me,  I can manage them. Right?

It hit me this morning. During this week last year, the week before school starts, we headed to the mountains for our last family vacation. We had the best time we'd had in months, and I was cautiously optimistic that we were through the worst of S's illness. Laughing with my family in a boat on the cool mountain lake, I had no idea that his final decline would begin on the way home from that trip. Then came the beginning of a new school year, then Pickle's birthday, then my birthday. Then the last tortured weeks, then his death, then the funeral, then our anniversary, then Critter's birthday.

Just a week ago, when asked what was coming up, I shrugged off the question. Now I see a rough road ahead for the next six weeks or so.  So it's back to basics for a while. I'll try to get plenty of sleep and exercise. I'll check in with my therapist and take a day or two off of work to just breathe. I'll spend time with the most special people, the few who don't need me to pretend everything is fine. I'll celebrate the girls' birthdays and surround them with the family and friends who love them most. Who knows? Maybe I'll even throw a birthday party for myself.