Woe is Mii

We arrived home today from a triumphant Christmas tour. We spent yesterday with S's family, four generations under one roof. And my sister-in-law thanked me for not deserting them after S died! The girls had a good time with their cousins and were thrilled with their gifts. I ate and drank way too much, laughed a lot and cried a little. The three of us retreated to a hotel for some quiet time by ourselves, then drove back home in the morning. Under the circumstances, I can’t imagine that Christmas could have gone better.

I walked down the driveway to get the mail right after we got home. As soon as I opened the mailbox, I saw the letter I’ve been dreading for a month - a self-addressed envelope containing the autopsy report. I could feel my skin tingling as I walked back to the house with the letter. I decided to open it right away, so I hid in the bathroom.

The cause of death was never a mystery, but no amount of Quincy-watching in my youth prepared me to read the clinical account of my husband’s autopsy. I consulted the online medical dictionary more than once, and I still might ask our family doctor to go through it with me. Or not.

When I emerged from the bathroom, Critter wanted to play the new Wii game we got for Christmas. So I focused on that - unpacking the game, setting up the new Motion Plus devices, etc. I didn’t pause long enough to realize that we haven’t played anything but Guitar Hero on the Wii since S died. When we started up the new game and were prompted to pick our Miis, I wasn’t prepared for S’s avatar to be there. It’s amazingly accurate, except for the dreadlocks.

I felt the loss more sharply at that moment than I have in weeks. That was him up there, and now he's gone. I didn’t fall apart, but it did make me realize that moments like this will be coming at me for a long time. I’m not out of the woods yet.